you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
