I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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