I wish my penis had an off switch
im holly from the hills drunk
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How's work?
Spinning.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
