The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
