Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
