Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
