yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
