This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
