Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
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I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
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I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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