i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
