apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
