2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
third nipple confirmed
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
