just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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