I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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