I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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