i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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