i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
