I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
