I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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