Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
