I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
