Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
