I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
