i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
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Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.