I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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