So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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