It's Friday. Sex?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
