he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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