You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
