I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
