He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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