Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
