Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
