i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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