the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
