I think I died a long time ago.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
