I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
