The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
