why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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