I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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