note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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