Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
