i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
