This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
