i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
