Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
