good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That's how pantless uber rides happen
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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