she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
