I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize