He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
