Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
