Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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