my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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