Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He felt like a one man threesome
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
